Make It Real Sept 2011

Question: A reader wrote this question after finding her husband on the internet viewing homosexual pornography while their nine year old child was in the room. She immediately asked him to leave the home. She was contemplating divorcing him prior to this episode. How important is it for my young children to have their father in the home? His behavior gives me reason to doubt he is able to make healthy judgment calls concerning appropriate behavior around our children.

Answer: God’s Word is clear that the home should be a peaceful environment for the family. If a spouse participates in immoral behavior (according to God’s standards, not Hollywood’s) or has an addiction issue that hinders the safety of the family unit, then the wife can separate from the husband. The Word of God is clear that if a husband of his own choice decides not to work and take care of his family that he is worse than an unbeliever. I encourage you to study the Word of God and specifically search out God’s way of handling these situations.

The actual issue that I want to respond to in this column concerns the well being of the children if the father leaves the home. I want you to know that God declares that He is the father to the fatherless. If you truly seek Him for direction and find His way of escape for this situation, He will take care of your children’s needs, both emotionally and physically. God would love to see true repentance and change come to the parent that is involved in immorality or bound to an addiction. However, after years of ministering to those bound to addictions (perversion as well as substance addictions) I have seen that it usually is a process that requires healing the wounded places in the soul of a person. I highly recommend that the children’s well being and safety be the number one priority. Later, the family can be united to live in the same home after the parent has truly walked through deliverance and time has proven that he/she has really been set free. Too many times, well meaning people declare that someone has completed their program of deliverance and now everyone should resume the relationship where it was interrupted. I do not believe this is a practical and realistic approach. I have seen families destroyed by pretended faith. They thought all was well when nothing in the heart of the person had been changed.

Gender issues and sexual addictions come from deep rooted fears. These fears produce self hate, hate for others and bitterness towards God. With the gifts of the Holy Spirit operating in the life of a minister these areas can be healed. However, when someone seeks ministry because they have been caught or because they face a harsh penalty for their addiction, the person has not reached a point of true repentance. A ministry or program is only successful when there is real spiritual change in the person’s heart.

You must seek the Holy Spirit for the proper action for your situation. Staying in a marriage that opens the door for unclean or violent spirits to have entry into your home is not the answer. A sincere person will want what is best for their spouse and children. A time of separation, as the deeper issues from the past are being healed, can be the safest way to assure your children’s protection. If the person who has given into perversion doesn’t want to walk through a long process of deliverance and being healed emotionally, then there is no need to pretend that things in the home will change while they are still part of the family unit. If a spouse who has not sinned in the area of sexual immorality wants a divorce from the one who has betrayed their trust, then God will give grace for them to move on with their life.

Let me add that if a parent just wants out of a marriage without seeking the Lord or takes upon themselves to divorce without a biblical cause, then the children can suffer feelings of abandonment and rejection. It is a very serious mistake to think that God is not able to heal a marriage and bring complete victory. The Word gives very specific instructions to the area of divorce. God is full of grace and forgiveness is always poured out to those who truly repent and seek His healing. However, the trials that we face within our families require a respect for God and His Word and His ways. For a powerful line upon line teaching on marriage and divorce check out our bookstore at beautyforashes.org.